I THOUGHT I’D BE FURTHER ALONG THAN THIS

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin…” Zechariah 4:10a, NLT.

Have you had this thought before, “By this time, I thought I’d be further along?” I do. And it comes this time of year, at the close of the year. But as I become older, I do a lot more self-reflecting than I did as a younger man. I also understand myself better and I also have come to realize the difference between what is most important and what is just the pressure of the urgent.

I’m an optimist and my direction of orientation is forward; always been that way. Personality wise, on the DISC inventory I’m an “I” with a close “D”. I don’t even register in the “C” category! On the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) I come out as an ENFJ. On the Enneagram, I identify with the type 7, Social subtype. On the StrengthsFinder 2.0, my top 5 in descending order are Strategic, Input, Belief, Achiever and Maximizer. I could go on and on with assessments, but you’re not that interested in me. To be honest, I’m not either. Assessments don’t take you where you want to go, but they can help you understand where you are.

By lamenting on not being as far along as I'd like, I’m not speaking in terms of physical distance, but in metaphor for life. For me, I’m disappointed that I’m not further along in my Christ-like character traits. I’m impatient, moody, over-indulgent, selfish, anxious, and inconsistent. That’s just what came to mind in a nanosecond. I got some work to do!

There are different categories of “wanting to be further along” than we are now. Perhaps for you, thinking you would be further along by now, means that you’d be married, or remarried. Perhaps it has to do with other aspects and dimensions of your relationships. Your desire to be "further along” could relate to career goals, physical and health desires. I shouldn’t even have to mention this, but money. Maybe you thought you’d have more of it, or to be able to spend less of it. Personal growth, mental health and resilience are important and more so this time of year. Bottom line, we just all want to be happy. We thought we’d be happier than we are now.

So, what do we do? Complain? Give-up? Blame God and creation? We may for a minute, but then we need to take responsibility and decide: Do I want to change you fill in the blank? This is the first choice and no one else can make for you. You must decide for yourself. It’s obvious to you and to others that there needs to be a change, but that is not the question. The question is, “Do you want to change?”

Some people get comfortable in their disappointment. They believe that they deserve it. They think that if they try to improve, they will just fail. Someone once said that you only fail when you cease to try. Failure is never final until you give up.

Here’s what I’m offering. I’ll give you a tried-and-true way to get further along in one area of your life in 2023. You pick the area and work the seven-step plan and by this time next year you will look back with satisfaction and can celebrate.

Before we look at the steps and the short description of each, (not complete but enough to get the idea of it) I want to make a few suggestions. First, just read over the seven steps and their descriptions. Don’t try to “do” them but get familiar with them.

Second, when you are ready to start working on the steps, I suggest you find a place where you will not be disturbed or distracted.

Third, give yourself some time. Work in 45-minute intervals. Take a break, like for a few hours or a day and then come back and work on it again. Don’t think you have to do it all in one sitting.

Fourth, review and make changes. This is a working document that can be revised. Just speaking of myself, I tend to set too high a goal and take on too much. It is a good thing when you make a more realistic target for yourself.

Fifth, remember, whatever targets you set for yourself and even if you don’t meet them, you are making progress, nonetheless. That is what's important. That's worth celebrating.

Sixth, be thinking about one to three people you could share this. Pick people who are supportive of you but will also speak the truth to you. If you’re desire for success in this is strong and you don’t feel like you can confide in any of the people you know yet, you may want to hire a coach for a few sessions, or at least one. You will be amazed at how a trained coach can help you navigate the issues in even one session.

Ready? Let’s go over the seven steps for where you want to be in 2023.

STEP ONE: IDENTIFY YOUR TARGETED AREA OF GROWTH

What one specific thing do you want to change about your life? Perhaps you have one already in mind. Write it down. You need to name it. It needs to be written in such a way that you will know when you have reached it or when you have not. The more specific the better.

To help with this, I’ve provided an excellent resource below on “Recovery, Wellness and Building Resilience". It lists eight different categories of life. It is like my Wheel of Life that is used in coaching. You may recognize one area that you want to focus on, and then you can name something specific in your life that corresponds to it.

STEP TWO: KNOW AND ACCEPT THE REALITY OF WHERE YOU ARE NOW

The first time my family and I went to the Mall of Georgia, we were looking for the Shoe Department shoe store. Sure enough, when we looked at the mall directory, the store was listed as being on the second floor near the east end. Problem was, we needed to know where we were to get to where we wanted to be. Fortunately for us, there was a red dot on the mall directory that read, “You are here.” Now that we knew where we were, we could get to the store we wanted. Same is true with your targeted desire.

Many don’t know themselves and are even less aware of how they come across to other people. Self-knowledge and self-awareness are the first place to begin. The reformed theologian John Calvin even wrote in the very beginning of his Institutes of the Christian Religion: “Our wisdom, in so far as it ought to be deemed true and solid Wisdom, consists almost entirely of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves. But as these are connected together by many ties, it is not easy to determine which of the two precedes and gives birth to the other.” Wisdom in life is tied to knowing God and knowing self. We should be students of both.

One of the best ways to know more of self is to develop an understanding of emotional intelligence. This will apply to all areas of life, not just what you have chosen to work on. One of the best tools I know of for self-discovery is the Enneagram. I have been so impressed with its potential for personal discovery and growth that I became a certified practitioner, working with individuals, church staff, and non-profit boards of directors.

Doing a 360 Degree Assessment is another consideration to discover how other people perceive your behavior and attitudes. This assessment is sent out to between 15 and 25 people in your social circle for them to answer questions about you anonymously!

The bottom line is not what resources you use, but that you come to a true knowledge of your own strengths, weaknesses, blind-spots, and tendencies. A true self-understanding of how you show up in the world will help you in all your growth areas, not just this one.

STEP THREE: DESCRIBE IN REALISTIC TERMS WHERE YOU WANT TO BE IN THIS ONE DESIRE BY END OF 2023

In the previous step I wrote about going to the Mall of Georgia. We didn't just want to go to the mall, we wanted to go to a particular store in the mall. Therefore, we knew when we made it. If we had just said we wanted to go to the mall, then any store or none would do. We’d just be killing time.

For you, what will it look like to make this goal? What you will feel? What will others see if you make this goal? Be tangible in your description. It could be a few sentences, or it could be several paragraphs.

STEP FOUR: LIST YOUR TOP FOUR TO SEVEN CHALLENGES TO ACHIEVING THIS DESIRE

You will need to be aware that anything worth doing is going to cost. It will take effort and tenacity. To prepare yourself for possible setbacks and problems answer these questions: What are the issues surrounding this? What are the challenges that need to be addressed? What am I afraid of? What do I stand to lose? What do I stand to lose if I don’t do this? What is my self-talk saying? Is my self-talk true? What is true? Who and what should I be listening to?

STEP FIVE: DISCERN THE LEADING OF GOD IN THIS

The question for your life is not: “Is God at work?” God is always at work in your life. The question is: “What is God at work doing and will I join him?” Some questions to ask yourself may be: What do you feel God is seeking to do in your life through this? What values is God working in you and bringing out? What areas of wounding or struggle might God be touching? Who do you have praying with you about this? What could Scripture say about this? What wisdom might other trusted sources have on this?

STEP SIX: PLAN YOUR STEPS THAT WILL LEAD YOU TO THIS ONE DESIRE

You don’t need to make a lot of steps. These steps that you plan don’t have to be big, they can be small or even “baby steps” like Dr. Marvin gave the character played by Bill Murray in the movie “What About Bob.” But these steps need to be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-bound. See the image below for more direction on this.

After you write down your steps and have made sure they are SMART. Then share them with someone you trust who will give you honest but caring feedback. Consider their feedback and make any adjustments you deem prudent.

STEP SEVEN: TAKE THE NEXT STEP

A Chinese proverb stated it this way, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Take the step. Make the leap. In reality, you have already begun. You have thought through. You have struggled. You have prayed and debated the issues and challenges. Now you have come to the point of implementing your new future. Is there anything left undone?

Share these steps with someone who will help you to be accountable to your own goals. You need a tribe: Your church, small group, friends, family, or coworkers, etc. You may want to involve a coach here as well.

There will always be new issues and challenges that will come up, but having worked through these steps, you at the place where you can go ahead. Today is the day! We can hardly wait to see what you will be in 2023.

Five Ways to Stay Mentally Healthy During the Holidays

Popular culture pictures the Christmas season as a Hallmark movie. We could call it “The Hallmark Effect.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there's anything wrong with a Hallmark movie. Just don’t confuse it with real life. In these kinds of movies, you have picturesque small towns, cozy coffee shops, attractive people, beautiful clothes, great coffee, tastefully decorated homes, tasteful coffee, and it always ending with the high of finding or restoring a loving relationship. There is also lots of coffee if you didn’t already get that.

For many, the holidays bring on a different kind of challenge. I for one love the holidays. Since I serve in a support role to churches, the end of the year is a time when I can slow down. This time of year, the churches, and pastors I serve are very busy with their Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. Karen (my wife) and I have saved up all year for gifts and we enjoy shopping together and being able to spend money without debt. We spend time with family, give gifts, and enjoy fun and good food.

Not everyone has this experience. For many, the holidays are times of sadness and regret. I know families who lost a loved one in death. It is a challenge for them to enjoy this time of year. I know others who, because of addiction, dread this time of year due to the social triggers it brings. Others have gone through separation in their families due to disruptive events. Parents and children of divorce find this time extremely challenging. It hurts no matter who is to blame or if no one is to blame.

With the above in mind, I offer just five suggestions for those who struggle with their mental health during the holidays.

1. Keep realistic expectations during the holidays.

I already talked about the Hallmark effect. These movies and the ones like them aren’t real life. The worst thing that happens in these movies is that someone got regular milk in their latte’ instead of soy. When arguments take place, they are resolved quickly and harmony is restored.

Stay grounded. Sure, we all have holiday expectations. We want it to be perfect. But it is not going to be perfect because nobody around us is perfect, including ourselves. During these times, some people are nice, but many people are stressed. Thanksgiving and Christmas are opportunities for us to put our best foot forward, but you also must keep in mind that human nature is not suspended during this time of year.

Be optimistic, but don’t let your optimism go so far that you become disappointed when all your hopes and dreams don’t materialize. Have expectations but keep them in check.

2. Talk about your losses.

If you have not thoroughly processed the losses you have experienced, confide in a person who will be able to empathize with you. I didn’t say sympathize but empathize. What you need is a person who can understand what you are experiencing not someone who will just feel sorry for you.

Finding a recovery group during this time of year may be the best gift you give to yourself. Some years ago, my wife and I experienced a trauma in our lives we couldn't process by ourselves. Someone we trusted strongly recommended we at least try a support group. I’m so glad we did. It was hard at first but sharing our feelings and fears with others who endured similar trauma activated real healing power. Often, we tell ourselves that “no one understands” or that “nobody will care”. Don’t you believe it. There are people like you, yes, just like you who want to hear your story. You need to hear their story as well.

3. Don’t go over your limits and avoid your triggers.

The celebrations this time of year seem to all have at least one thing in common: Too much of a good thing. There is too much food, too much eating, too much drinking, too much spending, too much travelling, and too much preparation. Sure, we want this time of year to be special. I remember when I was a pastor, Karen and I one year were invited to 17 Christmas parties. It was our first year in our church and we decided that if we were invited, we would go. Not a good plan. We love being with our church and eating all the food but by the time Christmas came around I was looking more like Santa Clause than I wanted. You don’t have to go to a party just because you were invited. Make sure you get some rest, even from the fun stuff.

Like it or not, January is coming. You cannot live like the holidays will never end. As believers we can live like Christmas will never end, but not the holiday.

Don’t put yourself in situations where you know you will be vulnerable. If being around some people brings you down, minimize the time you must spend with them. Perhaps you can even control the environment and the amount of time you spend with them. If you must go to an event or a place where you can be triggered, tell someone you trust to help you by holding you accountable for your actions. If you can bring a safe person with you to that gathering, do so.

4. Make new memories and traditions.

We can reach a stage in our lives where the old traditions end pulling us down instead of lifting us up. They’ve stopped reminding us of things like gratitude and joy. It may be time to start some new traditions. Change the way you give gifts. Serve in a charity of some kind that would benefit others. Insert a new game or challenge in your holiday festivities. Let your imagination go wild. The best way to move past an old tradition is to replace it with a new one. The bottom line on all this is for us to remember the real meaning of Christmas. God’s fulfilled his promise to send a Savior to rescue us from our sin and redeem us so that we may be restored in our relationship with God.

5. Focus on connecting with others.

We are created for community. Isolation is not good for the soul and being alone during the holiday season is even worse. Try to connect. Call someone and meet them for coffee. Bring a little gift of appreciation for their friendship.

Place yourself in situations that allow for invitations to social events. Hang out with different people than you usually do. Even if it’s just for a little while. The Bibles states it this way: “A man who has friends must himself be friendly….” (Proverbs 18:24, NKJV)

Volunteer to serve others. I mentioned this earlier, but it is still good for connecting with others. There is a natural and long-lasting connection that happens between people who are working toward something greater than themselves. When you volunteer to do good to someone else you are investing in their lives. But even more important you are living out the Christian life. You will be blessed by blessing others in ways not imagined. Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35b, NKJV) So, serve in a toy drive, a food distribution, or a holiday meal for the needy. Look around you at the needs of others, perhaps you will be inspired to start something that will meet a need not yet addressed. Your life and your heart will grow in the process.

I pray the best for you this Christmas season. Thank you for allowing me to serve you. Merry Christmas and I truly desire for you to have a happy New Year.

Eight Ways to Grow as an Effective Leader

In Christian leadership there is never a place where one should say, “I’ve arrived.” Leadership is a continual challenge to grow. If you are a leader, you should find ways to keep growing. If you’re not growing, you won’t be leading for long.

The biblical character Joshua is a great example of an effective leader. Below I give you eight ways to grow as a leader with reflections on this biblical character.

1. Leaders accept that they must be regularly challenged.

At the beginning of a leader’s experience, most of the challenges come from outside of the leader. These new leaders are inexperienced and often uninformed. There is nothing wrong with being uninformed and unskilled. However, if a leader stays this way, that is a problem. We must all begin somewhere so, early in a leader’s life; the challenges are more external. But something happens along the way, as a leader grows, he or she will become knowledgeable and competent in their area of focus. This can be both good and bad. I know from experience. A leader, because of their competence and knowledge has the temptation to rely more on this than on seeking God for guidance. As a novice, they relied on the leading of the Spirit of God, Scripture, and the advice of wise counsel. As they grew, they began to trust more in their own counsel and a shift was made, however subtle, to human-centered wisdom instead of God-sought wisdom.

Joshua as a leader learned the price of this kind of thinking. Perhaps you remember the battle at Ai. It was perhaps the greatest failure of Joshua as a leader, and it came on the heels of his great first victory as a leader. You can find it here in Joshua 8:1-12. He did what seemed like the best course of action to fulfill the mandate from the Lord to conquer the Promised Land. However, he made a shift from seeking the Lord first and went with his own counsel. 36 of his men died that day. 36 families lost fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers. It didn’t have to happen, but it did. Like Joshua, leaders need to be stretched spiritually, mentally, and relationally. Above all, stay humble before the Lord (James 4:10).

2. Leaders model self-leadership

In the hierarchy of leadership, the first level is the level of self-leadership. If you want to know all five levels of leadership, check out Mac Lake’s book “The Multiplication Effect” pages 66-69, Kindle version). Self-leadership is just what it sounds like. The ability to lead yourself. This is the leader who can teach on loving your neighbor because he is loving his neighbor. At this level, he is not perfect, but he knows himself and is working on being a good leader by leading himself well first.

Joshua was this kind of leader. When he called the Israelites to fight, he also went in the battle. When it was time for Moses to seek God’s direction on a matter, Joshua was right there with him. Joshua would spend extended time in the tabernacle even after Moses had left. “As all the people saw the pillar of cloud remaining at the entrance to the tent, they would stand up, then bow in worship, each one at the door of his tent. The Lord would speak with Moses face to face, just as a man speaks with his friend, then Moses would return to the camp. His assistant, the young man Joshua son of Nun, would not leave the inside of the tent.” (Exodus 33:10–11, CSB) Joshua obeyed Moses and the Lord, so his people will be moved to obey him.

3. Leaders must be good communicators

A leader needs to get his message across to his people, but his people also need to give feedback to the leader. Both, the sender and the receiver, need to be sending and receiving to make sure they are understood.

A huge part in good communication is influence. When the 12 spies returned from their reconnaissance mission into the Promised Land, there was a disagreement as to whether Israel should enter. Joshua was one of the voices for going ahead, but other voices revolted against him. At that time, his influence was not great enough to overcome the negative communication coming from the other spies. They didn’t listen to Joshua. Now this failure is not on Joshua, but his influence at that time was not what it became later when he led Israel into the Promised Land.

Good communicators must anticipate the tendencies of their hearers. They must speak to them and show a better way. As Joshua led, his influence grew, but he also became better at speaking to the fears of his people. What are the debilitating fears of your people? How can you best speak to them, so that they will obey the Lord? This is something effective leaders don’t shy away from.

4. Leaders develop others

Moses learned the value of developing leaders early on in his ministry of leading Israel out of Egypt. As you may remember it was Moses’ father-in-law who strongly suggested to him that he appoint leaders to take on some of the work as judge he was doing. Moses also knew that he would not be around forever, and Israel would need another leader after him. Joshua was Moses’ succession plan. More importantly, it was the Lord’s succession plan. This is spelled out in Deuteronomy 31:14.

When it came to Joshua developing other leaders, we just don’t see it. He had leaders, but they seem to be of his generation. But, in his defense, transitioning from conquering the Promised Land to settling it requires a different set of leadership skills. In the book of Judges, we find there is no one leader. The fragmentation into tribes happens and darker days for Israel lie ahead. Perhaps this division into the primacy of tribal leadership was necessary, but there was not intentional process for developing them. Throughout the book we hear of good leaders and poor leaders. We hear of foolish leaders and wise ones as well. Effective leaders develop others prepare the next generation for the challenges ahead.

5. Leaders manage conflict

I don’t like conflict. I will try to avoid conflict if reasonably possible. However, in my time as a pastor and denominational leader, I understand that often a leader must be proactive in addressing conflict. If the leader doesn’t, then it will grow. Conflict is inevitable and continual.

Joshua dealt with conflict in an even-handed way. Certainly, there was conflict in battle. Joshua saw it most of his life. In his task of distributing the land, Joshua had been given directives from Moses. He was able to fall back on this if there was a disagreement over land allotments. When disagreements came that were not in the directives from Moses, Joshua had to handle them with wisdom. He did this with the request of Zelophehad’s daughters (Joshua 17:3-5) and when the people of Joseph asked for more land (Joshua 17:14-18).

6. Leaders learn from others

You’ve probably read this: Leaders are readers. It is true. But leaders are not only readers. Leaders learn from other leaders in a variety of ways. One of the important things to remember in learning from other leaders is that you don’t have to agree with them to learn from them. I listened to the “Rise and Fall of Mars Hill” podcasts. I remember in the podcast Mark Driscoll stating that if another pastor didn’t have more people coming to his church than he did, that pastor couldn’t teach him anything. I have news for Driscoll, with that attitude, nobody could teach him anything. There is always something we can learn from another person. It may not always be a leadership skill, it may be more personal, like kindness and humility or recognizing each person as a special creation of God, not someone you can just get to follow you. Therefore leaders being in an accountable community is important. Joshua became the man he had a teachable spirit about him. He was able to learn from others.

7. Leaders utilize a leadership coach

A leadership coach is someone who knows and understands basic leadership principles, is on your side, asks the right questions, helps you to think through issues and challenges, lets you make all your own decisions, and helps you identify the steps you believe you need to take for a better tomorrow. A leadership coach will also help you to review how it is going and ask if there are any adjustments that need to be made. A leadership coach is confidential. How does all that sound?

Scripture says that Joshua went out and found a leadership coach. No, it doesn’t say that. I believe he had some coaches in Moses and Caleb, they just weren’t called that. Moses had a great leadership coach in his father-in-law, Jethro. A leadership coach is someone who comes from the outside and brings a different perspective. That fit Jethro to a "T". Maybe your next step is to find a leadership coach and meet for a few sessions, just to see if its a fit.

8. Leaders leave an intentional legacy

Moses was intentional in naming Joshua as his legacy replacement. The inspiration came from the Lord. We’ve already named that in point four. Now Joshua knew his time was ending. He challenged the people of Israel to stay faithful to the Lord and to continue the legacy of faith. In Joshua 24:14-18 he renewed the covenant that the people had made with the Lord at the beginning of their entry into the Promised Land.

The Scripture states that the Israel worshipped the Lord throughout Joshua’s time and even during the lifetimes of the elders who outlived Joshua. But it when it fell to the generation who had not lived through all the things that the Lord had done for Israel, a falling away took place. Legacies are not guaranteed forever. They are not even guaranteed at all. But if a legacy is going to last at all, it must be intentional.

These eight are not exhaustive, if you as a leader in your home, business or church will seek the attitude posture that these bring, I believe you will be not only growing as a leader, but will be effective as well.